What to do If You’re Accused of Bullying

If you’re getting feedback that you’ve bullied someone, here are five things to keep in mind.

1. FOCUS ON IMPACT, NOT INTENTION
   When someone points out that you’ve been biased, or that a belief you hold is prejudiced, or that you’ve behaved like a bully, denial is a normal human response to this feedback. It can be tempting to tell people, “Don’t be so sensitive” or “I was only joking.” After all, you didn’t mean any harm.
   Rather than focusing on your intention, take a moment to look for the actual harm your attitude or behavior may have done. If someone is upset, what is the reason? Try to understand why rather than reject the person’s emotions.

2. ASSUME GOOD INTENT OF OTHERS, BUT DON’T DEMAND THEY ASSUME IT OF YOU
   Be careful when insisting that others “assume good intent” of you. It can sound as if you think the person who is harmed should not be angry. Annalee Flower Horne suggests thinking about it like this: if you were stepping on someone’s toe and the person said, “Get off my toe” or even “Get off my f—g toe!,” you wouldn’t stand there still stepping on the toe while you delivered a lecture about assuming good intent. You’d first get off the toe. Then you’d apologize for the pain you had caused.
   It’s the other person’s pain you need to attend to, not your intentions. 

3. DON'T SAY “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” 
   Communication is measured at the listener’s ear, not at the speaker’s mouth. Maybe something you said upset someone, but you don’t quite understand why. You didn’t mean any harm. You simply used a word you’ve used your whole life, a word that has always been in common usage.
   By refusing to understand why what you said causes harm, you are demanding that the other person conform to your expectations of “normal.” Furthermore, telling other people how they “should” feel is an exercise in futility. People feel how they feel, and the best you can do is to try to understand why.

4. DON’T “SHOULD” ALL OVER OTHER PEOPLE
   It seems that it goes without saying that I get to decide who I am, and you get to decide who you are. Yet all too often we try to tell other people who they are, what they “should” wear, how they “should” feel, whether their hair “should” be long or short, whether they “should” have kids, how many kids, whether they “should” be in a relationship, and on and on. These “shoulds” can feel really bullying, even if you think you’re just giving good advice.

5. APOLOGIZE
   In Art of the Apology, Lauren M. Bloom explains that an effective apology has the following important steps:

• Say you’re sorry . . . sincerely

• Explain what went wrong

• Take responsibility

• Make amends

• Express appreciation

• Listen to the person’s pain with patience

• Offer repair

• Request forgiveness

• Promise it won’t happen again