How Not to Apologize
The best way to make an apology is this. Go to the person in private and say, “I am sorry.” Then, shut up and listen. When you apologize to people, make sure to focus on them and understand the harm done to them, not just their feelings. Don’t make it about you.
Here are few common “apologies” that really are not apologies at all:
“I am an asshole.” Saying this focuses on you, not the person you harmed. Moreover, it implies that no change will be forthcoming.
“I was just kidding.” If your joke harmed someone, then it was a bad joke, and you’re better off apologizing for it than trying to use humor to cover up what you did wrong. What @Anne Libera calls “ha ha ah ha” humor reveals hidden attitudes and behaviors in a way that creates change. Bullying humor reinforces harmful attitudes and behaviors.
“This has been really hard for me.” Once again, it focuses on you. In this case, you are not apologizing, you are looking for sympathy, or himpathy. A VC who was accused of sexual misconduct began his apology with “The past twenty-four hours have been the darkest of my life.” @Brenden Mulligan responded, “Are you kidding me? This is how you start? No one gives a shit about you. The only acceptable way to start this statement is with the words ‘I’m so sorry.” Another common manifestation of this is “white women’s tears,” a phenomenon in which white women, when called out for having said a racist or racially unmindful thing, burst into tears as a strategy for avoiding accountability. Don’t let it become about you.
“ I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This misses the point. It shows you still don’t get that you caused any harm beyond hurting someone’s feelings. Sometimes this is a communication in bad faith, not an apology at all, as in “I’m sorry you feel I was harassing you.” What the person in this case is really saying is “I wasn’t harassing you, and if you feel I was, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I was having a bad day.” Nobody is interested in why you did what you did. People are interested in what you’re going to do to make it right, and they want to make sure you don’t repeat the mistake.
“Let me explain.” Now you are justifying, not apologizing.
“Can you forgive me?” People often ask for forgiveness or demand forgiveness before they’ve taken a single step to make amends or to ensure they won’t repeat the mistake. Don’t say “Will you please forgive me?” while literally blocking the person’s path to an exit. (True story.)