Upstander story

Here is an excerpt from Just Work about an upstander whom I worked with decades ago and am still grateful to today. It’s on p 76 in the book.

It Is Degrading to Be Asked to Pee in a Bucket.

Once a colleague, David, and I flew halfway around the world to negotiate a partnership with a company that had never had women employees; their religion prohibited women from working outside the home. I think they viewed me as an American, not really a woman at all—which worked OK until, after many cups of tea, I needed to use the bathroom. They didn’t have a ladies’ room. I suggested that, if nobody was in the men’s room, perhaps I could use it. They explained that would violate their religious beliefs. One of the men motioned for me to follow him, led me to a mop closet, and pointed at a bucket. I started to laugh, but one glance told me he wasn’t joking.

“It is degrading to ask me to pee in a bucket!” I said, and headed toward the men’s room: I really needed to pee. But another man cut in front of me and blocked the door. Suddenly, what had seemed like a benign conflict had become quite tense.

I looked to David for help. An important note here: there is nothing wrong with looking to your colleagues for help. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Happily, David was an upstander. He reiterated what I’d said: “It is degrading to ask Kim to pee in a bucket when there’s a bathroom right here.” Then he proposed, “If Kim agrees, I suggest either she uses the facilities here, or Kim and I will drive back to the hotel and use the bathroom there.” I am an efficiency freak: the idea of wasting a whole hour to go to the bathroom was something that would never have occurred to me. But, to my surprise, the men chose to wait while we drove to the hotel and back.

David was telling our hosts that it wasn’t acceptable for them to impose their belief on me. He came up with a solution that inconvenienced not only us but them as well. It felt important to me that they bear some of the cost of their prejudice. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but I could live with it. I certainly didn’t have any better ideas, so I was grateful to David for his.