Responding to Bias? Use an “I” Statement
Use An “I” Statement To Invite The Person To See Things From Your Perspective
When confronted with bias, you can choose whether or not to help the person notice the mistake. It’s not your job to educate the person who just harmed you. But you may decide to do the work because saying something may cost you less emotionally than remaining silent. Even when you do decide to speak up, it’s hard to know what to say. When I’m in that situation, I try to start with the word “I” and see what comes out of my mouth next.
Starting with the word “I” invites the person to consider things from your point of view. An “I” statement can be a simple factual correction about an incorrect assumption: “I am the pilot; he is the co-pilot.” Or it can help a person understand unintended implications of something they said: “I don’t think you meant that the way it sounded.” An “I” statement is a generous response to someone else’s unconscious bias.
Another benefit of an “I” statement is that it’s a good way to figure out where the other person is coming from. If people respond politely or apologetically, it will confirm your diagnosis of unconscious bias. If they double down or go on the attack, then you’ll know you’re dealing with prejudice or bullying.
What if you’re not sure it’s bias? It’s OK. You don’t have to be 100 percent sure to speak up. You can remain open to the possibility that you’re wrong about which attitude is behind the behavior, yet also confident in your own perception—this is how it struck you. If you’re right and it was
bias, you’ve given the person an opportunity to learn; if you’re wrong, you’ve given the person an opportunity to explain what was meant.
There are times when the risks clearly outweigh the rewards. I am not saying you “should” speak up. I am offering you a way to think about how to speak up if you decide it’s worth your while. Here are some examples of the sorts of “I” statements you can use when confronting common experiences of bias.
Incorrect role assumption. You, a woman, are negotiating a deal with Wilson, and you have brought along your summer intern, Jack, to take notes. But Wilson directs his comments to Jack.
What you might be thinking:
You’re assuming Jack is the boss because he has a dick. Typical.
“I” Statement:
Wilson, I am the person you are negotiating with. This is Jack, my summer intern.
Incorrect “task” assumptions. You get asked to take the notes in every meeting.
What you might be thinking:
Because I’m a woman, you assholes always ask me to take notes.
“I” Statement:
I can’t contribute substantively to the conversation if I always have to take notes. Can someone else take notes this week?
Ignoring one person’s idea, then celebrating the exact same idea from a different person moments later. Every time you offer a recommendation you get ignored, but when a man says the same thing five minutes later, it’s a “great idea.”
What you might be thinking:
Why are you hailing him as a genius when he is simply repeating what I just said two minutes ago?
“I” Statement:
Yes, I STILL think that’s a great idea. (N.B.: You don’t have to do this for yourself; you can ask upstanders on your team to notice when an underrepresented person makes a key point but someone from the majority later repeats it and gets credit for it; ask the upstanders not only to notice but to chime in and say, “Great idea, it sounds a lot like what X said a few minutes ago.”)
Conflating people of the same race or gender when they are the minority in a group. You are one of two people of your ethnicity and/or gender on your team of thirty people. Multiple people keep confusing the two of you.
What you might be thinking:
We don’t all look alike, you asshole.
“I” Statement:
I am Alex, not Sam.
Responding to bias with an “I” statement has a number of benefits. I am not trying to “should” all over you. I’m not saying you “should” speak up. But many of us are more acutely aware of the downsides than the upsides of responding. It can be helpful to think through the pros since we feel the cons in our gut.
First, by speaking up, you are affirming yourself. Every time someone says something that bothers you and you ignore it, a tiny feeling of helplessness creeps in. Every time you respond, your sense of agency is strengthened.
Second, you are interrupting the bias that is harming you, and you may even persuade the offender to change behavior, which will improve things not only for you but for others.
Third, by speaking up clearly and kindly, you will be supporting the notion that doing so is acceptable behavior, encouraging others to do the same. Doing this often establishes that having one’s bias confronted does not make one irredeemably bad, thus making others more comfortable pointing out bias when they notice it. This is how norms—standards of social behavior—are established. When we ignore bias, we allow it to be repeated and reinforced.
Fourth, your relationship with your colleague may improve thanks to your intervention. It is easier to get along with someone who isn’t doing something that pisses you off over and over.
Fifth, you are doing the person who is saying the biased thing a favor. If they don’t consciously mean what they are saying, when you point it out, you give them an opportunity to stop making that mistake.