Bullying: being mean

Respond with a “you” statement (or question)

Once, my children and their cousins were talking about being bullied in school. I offered them some guidance, suggesting they respond: “I feel sad when you …” They did little to conceal how stupid they thought my advice was. I continued to defend my position until my daughter said, banging her fist on the table in frustration, “Mom! They are trying to make me feel sad. Why would I tell them they succeeded?”  

My daughter was right: Bullies are trying to hurt someone. Pointing out the pain they are inflicting with an “I” statement doesn’t make them stop and may even encourage them to double down. Bullies like to break the rules, so laying out the rules by using an “it” statement such as “it’s against the law to …” doesn’t help.

A “You” response — “What’s going on for you here?” or “You need to stop talking to me that way” —  works better. The bully is trying to put you in a submissive role, to demand that you answer their questions or to shine a scrutinizing spotlight on you. A “you” response puts you in the active role, makes clear that you are not going to tolerate their abuse, and shines an uncomfortable spotlight on their behavior. 

A leader’s job is to create three kinds of consequences for bullying: conversational, compensation, and career. This means learning how to shut down bullying when it happens in conversation, making sure that people who engage consistently in bullying don’t get good ratings or big bonuses, and resisting the temptation to promote bullies, even if they seem to be high performing. There comes a moment in every team’s history when the assholes begin to win. That is the moment when the team’s culture begins to lose, and poor results will follow. 

To get some perspective on bullying and how to handle it, Wesley Faulkner and I discuss this passage with our guest Eric Degganns. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, or here: https://www.justworktogether.com/podcast-season-2